untitled

i know that no one is probably going to read this but whatever i just need to get some things out. My life is spinning out of control. i have started drinking and other things agian. i dont think that the real problem is that i am doing them but why i am. i dont want to feel anymore, i cant im not strong enough to right now. ive been sober now for about roughly 30-some hours and i will probably go out drinking tonight.
i feel like my world is spinning the way it does when your drunk, and the hole time everythingis spinning around you, you are completely still. everything is moving so fast that you feel sick, i feel sick. you feel like you need to either pass out or throw up. thats my life even when im sober i need to give in and just pass out or throw up because i am so sick of myself.
i havent cut or thought about it since i started living with my boyfriend but now that we are apart and im back with my parents things feel so unbalanced. it seems like those thought are starting to creep back into my head. thank god i havent done anything, that is one of the only things i can be proud of right now is that i havent cut in over 6 months. that the longest i have ever gone with out doing something of that nature.
im not sure if this is my cry for help or what i think i just needed to get things out in the open because right now i cant tell anyone. they would be so disappointed in hell im disappointed in myself but that is a feeling that i have grown acustum to, so no biggy. sometimes when im alone i just want to give up. imgoing to steal something someone once told me when everything is going on around me i go into autopiolet mode so things can get done, but when i have time to think i relize what is really happening im running out of fuel.