untitled

i know that no one is probably going to read this but whatever i just need to get some things out. My life is spinning out of control. i have started drinking and other things agian. i dont think that the real problem is that i am doing them but why i am. i dont want to feel anymore, i cant im not strong enough to right now. ive been sober now for about roughly 30-some hours and i will probably go out drinking tonight.
i feel like my world is spinning the way it does when your drunk, and the hole time everythingis spinning around you, you are completely still. everything is moving so fast that you feel sick, i feel sick. you feel like you need to either pass out or throw up. thats my life even when im sober i need to give in and just pass out or throw up because i am so sick of myself.
i havent cut or thought about it since i started living with my boyfriend but now that we are apart and im back with my parents things feel so unbalanced. it seems like those thought are starting to creep back into my head. thank god i havent done anything, that is one of the only things i can be proud of right now is that i havent cut in over 6 months. that the longest i have ever gone with out doing something of that nature.
im not sure if this is my cry for help or what i think i just needed to get things out in the open because right now i cant tell anyone. they would be so disappointed in hell im disappointed in myself but that is a feeling that i have grown acustum to, so no biggy. sometimes when im alone i just want to give up. imgoing to steal something someone once told me when everything is going on around me i go into autopiolet mode so things can get done, but when i have time to think i relize what is really happening im running out of fuel.

WHY

i know its been a while since i've written any thing. but things hvent been going very well. ive spent the last month taking my boyfriend in and out of the hospital because of infections. an two days ago i got some of the worst news i could hear,his cancer is back. when we were in the hospital they were doing blood cultures and a couple of days ago they told us to come in because they needed to talk to us then they dopped the bomb.

Im so scared, the type of cancer he has is multiple myeloma which is a cancer of the blood. Its not fair,its not fair to me or to him. i mean fuck havent we gone through enough in the last month. in the last month i lost my apartment and my job. we just started getting back on our feet, now we both have jobs and a place to stay. and then this is dropped on us.

so now i am lef wondering why this happening

Got ink?

I DO!
after finding out about Lisa i started to relize that, that could have easly been me. so with an unknown friend i decided to get a tattoo in honor of Lisa. since she had called me baby bear i decided to get that tattooed on my ankle.

at first i was really nervous. i took my friend Amanda and her little boy matthew and another friend, later Amanda's boyfriend Andrew came and watched. But it really wasnt that bad, at first it hurt but after a while it didnt hurt.

Have you ever seen the show inked? well i didnt really think tattoo shops were really like that but they are. i had gone in the night before to ask someone about getting it done, so when i went in they already had an idea of what font they wanted to use.

the guy who did my tattoo was really cool and so were the other guys there. it was a totaly cool experiance. and it wasnt too painful, well that was until Andrew set the ink. for those of you who dont know what that is, its when they finish your tattoo and then someone slaps it.

That whole night was just a fun time, all my close friends were there and the guys at the shop were really cool. I cant wiat till i get my next one.

Lisa

last night i found out that one of my friends from the hospital had killed herself. granted we werent like best friends or anything but we were still really close. im not sure how i feel right now, because everything feels a little numb. i miss her, it hurts to know that she is gone. so i figure that i ll wright her a letter even though she wont be able to read it.

Lisa,
you were one of the sweetest girls i have ever known. you were amazing. its not fair that you left this way, or that things were going to be that hard for you to stay clean. Im sorry i never called he never gave me your number. you were so beautiful and kind the world didnt deserve you. it makes me sad to think that i will never get to hear someone call me baby bear any more. Lisa i love you, i miss you already.

i know it sounds a little stupid but if you guys hear any red hot chili peppers please think of lisa that was her favorite band. she had a chilli pepper suitcase pants she loved them. thanks

im désolé

i finally did it i hit rock bottom. i never ment to hurt anyone, especialy people who took me in. there is nothing i can do to change it or make what i did ok. Because its not what i did was fucked up and i am so so so sorry for that. now i worry that i have lost probably one of the only people out there that truely loved me. I guess what im trying to say is that im sorry for everything and i know that doesnt make it better but i am.

Intervention

This is little miss's intervention she has a problem. She is addicted to keira knightley, now this is nothing new to anyone who knows her but she has taken it to a hole new level. Little miss has become a thief, the other day she was at mcdonanlds and stole an arch card(ya know the gift cards)but here is why she took it guess who was on it yup KEIRA KNIGHTLEY. We need to help her before its too late she may go bigger next time maybe a poster or a movie or maybe just maybe Keira herself. Little Miss needs our help.

Cash Money Update

So here is what at least i know little miss has been waiting for pictures of my little nephew Cash. So right now i am up here in Pa visiting my family. We had lots of fun on the plane we got to bring one of our cats on the plane (side note: it is not fun to chase a cat around an air plane.)

But yesterday we came up to see my sister and her family. Cash was very happy yesterday because he got to be held a lot. we couldnt get enough of that little man. and now what you all have been waiting to been waiting for CASH!!!